Today is Halloween, and I wanted to do something special for this. I could have done a list of my top 10 horror movies, but I’m not a big horror fan, so it would have sucked and the entries would have been too recent. But then, after watching An American Werewolf in London I decided that the best thing to write about is the things that I have learned while watching these movies. I am now sure that if I ever found my self in a horror movie situation, I’ll survive. I might get a couple of injuries, but I’ll have the last laugh.
So, here we go:
If you’ve seen more than, say, five horror movies, then you should know that the people of color always die first. They may be athletic, smart, or whatever, but they are always going to be the ones that set off the series of events that will get most people killed. So, if you are out in a creepy place with a bunch of white kids, say you forgot your medicine or something; otherwise, your head will be cut off.
Now, being a hot chick does not mean that you are going to live. You have to be hot, sensitive, and have a jerk for a boyfriend. If you are a slut, you’ll be one of the first to be killed, and while having sex. If you are nerdy, you’ll be one of the last, buy you’ll die nonetheless. So, be hot, kind of wild, but smart and be in an abusive relationship, and you’ll make it. You’ll be badly hurt, but you’ll survive
Old ladies have been through way more than most people, so you never know what kind of stuff they have learned over the years. For this reason, you must do what your parents told you, and respect them so that they don’t get mad at you. You never know if they are witches of gypsies that know a lot about magic. So, next time a lady comes into your bank asking for an extension on her mortgage payment, you give it to her, otherwise you will burn in hell,
I understand that due to fatigue caused by hours of driving or because you are running away from the law you might want to rest in a place where you can be silent and no one will find you. But please, use your rational thinking because you don’t know what you’ll find there. For all you know somebody might be making a snuff film starring you and your wife, or the owner might be a creep that dresses up as his dead mother. Therefore, try to find at least a three star hotel to stay in. Isn’t your life worth the extra money?
I was always taught to respect everyone no matter who they were. But you can’t expect to have the same values. So, if you see a kid with some sort of mental disease or physical deformity, don’t bully him. Either leave him alone or be his friend. Otherwise, he might turn out to be a super strong murderer and he might come and get you or kill a bunch of young people over the course of many years, hell, he might even end up in space.
When you are in a foreign country by your self or with a friend, you might feel lonely or may want to explore your sexuality. But never let go of your conscience. If a charming and/or sexy stranger comes to you with a drink, do not take it. If you want to make casual conversation so as to not seem too rude, go ahead, but never give away any details. If you do either of these, you will probably end up drugged and in a prostitution/torture operation. Use your head!
Zombies are slow (at least the Romero kind), but dangerous. So, if you encounter one, you might be somewhat safe and may need just one bullet to deal with him. But if you are trying to make it across the country to a place where there is supposed to be a safe zone, be loaded with weapons, because one gun and 10 bullets will not do. You will need rifles, shotguns, grenades, and even bazookas. So, be prepared for when the zombie apocalypse happens
If you come to a strange town and they tell you to stay on the road and away from the moors and beware the moon, you do it! They know what they are talking about; they have seen things that led them to having these rules. Otherwise you will turn into a werewolf and your friend will be torn to pieces. Likewise, if somebody tells you that it is tradition to leave jack-o-lanterns lit all night on Halloween you do it because you don’t want to upset the spirits.
They say that curiosity killed the cat. That is also true for many horror movie characters. There are always strange things happening, and if some of your friends have disappeared, and you hear noises, you have to run away rather than investigating the object. Some would call that cowardice, but I call it survival skills
If you are lost somewhere in the dessert or the woods and you have to stop for gas, just buy a map and don’t ask for directions. The clerk might tell you that there is a short cut or something, but what you want to do is take the map and find a proper way to get to your destination. If you listen to him you will either end up in a town made of wax, in the middle of the dessert being haunted by savage mutants, or you could be gang raped and be left for dead.
So, there you have it. If you find your self in a horror movie situation, just follow these rules and you’ll have a better chance of surviving. If you have other lessons that you have learned from horror movies, share them in the comments section.